Another self, a shadow self
What if I turn my face toward this inner other?
Let’s stay with this image for a while and witness a tentative encounter between self and another self. The other self. It is tender between them as they stand on uncertain ground, feet turned in, hands held back in hesitation.
You see, the self-other-self do not know each other well. In fact, it may feel like they do not know each other at all. The one resides in our consciousness, and the other is cast away into shadow. The self we know is the self of substance, texture, and form. She is defined and featured. We know her eyes, her nose, her mouth. We know her mind, her thoughts, her feelings. We know her gestures, her walk, her stance. We know her. We have known her.
The other self is a stranger. She is undefined and unformed. Her features have not come into focus. She is made of shadow. She resides in the cracks of consciousness. She survives in the underground. She has held each and every piece of what we cannot be. What we have cast out has become her daily bread. We have not known her. We have not let ourselves know her.
She is unformed and undefined because she has not been related to. We have not turned toward her, looked at her, mirrored her, felt her. We have not held her in mind. We have not held her in heart. We have not held her.
They face each other for what feels like the first time. They are caught between turning toward and turning away in an ambivalent dance. Their heads tucked into their shoulders, as a duck buries itself beneath its wing. Shying away, hiding away. The one cannot look, the one cannot see.
There is a thin and broken line between them. An umbilical cord that holds a faraway memory of a long-ago connection. This umbilical cord is jagged as if it has been cut not once, but many times. First at birth and again at 3 and 4 and 5. Again at 8 and then at 9. It was cut at 11, 12, and 13. It has been cut throughout her life.
In Jung’s Map of the Soul, Stein (1998, p. 99) explores the shadow, not as a thing, but as a holding image, for all the qualities that lie “hidden, behind one’s back, in the dark”. She is this holding image. She is what is cast behind. She is made of all the qualities and parts of self that have been disavowed, abject, and repressed. If I am kind, she is cruel. If I am good, she is bad. If I am compromising, she is ruthless. If I am undemanding, she is desiring. If I am withholding, she loves with no bounds. If I am forgiving, she is full of rage. If I am contained, she is wild.
I had a dream a few years ago where I encountered my other self. I was terrified of her. I wanted her to go away, to push her back into the underground and into the unknown territories of my unconscious.
I was in my parents’ garden, and a young woman appeared. She was around my age and my size. She looked different to me, but she had the same tattoos as me, marked in the same places on her body. We stood opposite each other, a kind of mirror. She approached me, coming closer and closer. In terror, I screamed out for my father to open the front door and let me into the house. She wanted to take me somewhere, abduct me, perhaps towards the underground. I flung open the door and slammed it shut behind me. I bolted it closed, making sure she could never come inside.
What if I turn my face to this inner other? What if I look her in the eye? If I see her? If I hear her? If I hold her? What if I gently mend this cut cord between us? If I unlatch the bolted doorways and slowly step outside. What if we stand together in the garden, where the oak tree once stood?
A haiku for her
Will you untuck your
head from beneath your wing and
look at me this time?Who is your inner other? Who is your shadow self? What might they have been holding for you all these years? Which qualities, which needs, which longings? Perhaps in meeting them in the garden, you might gain access to something you didn’t even know you needed.
Home practice invitation:
Draw two columns. On the left side, make a rough list of all the qualities you think you possess. In the right-hand column, write the seemingly ‘opposite’ qualities. As a creative experiment, see if you can flesh this out a bit more, perhaps writing a character sketch of this ‘other’ or creating an artwork that represents them. See if you can dialogue with them and get to know them a bit. Perhaps they will grant you access to something you need right now, bring you some insight or a new perspective. Enjoy!
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This is a great excercise and start tonthe work ofbhealing in growth intonnewnhorizons ofnthe self and spirit. At some point u may find that there are many shadows. Sort of like when u are in a room with multiple lights and you can see multiple shadows cast from your body. They each present a story to tell and a laugh to be had (ha). Find them, heal them, love them and they will do the same.
Wow!